There is an image that has been stuck in my mind, which for some may explain my quirkiness, or at least a small fraction of it.
There was some show, or movie on when I was younger, we’ll say junior high days in which three girls were hanging out, spending time with one another-that sort of thing. One girl decided to perform karaoke for her friends and wow them with her performance. And so with great flourish and quite a bit of sass she did perform…terribly.
When finished the other two friends wiped the looks of shock and horror off their faces to tell her that she did well.
That scene made me sick to my stomach, and ever since I have gone the opposite way, and have been hyper-critical of everything I do, and I think only recently have consciously acknowledged one of the sources of my hyper critical…ness.
I don’t want to be someone that people can’t critique, or correct when I’m doing something wrong: I never wanted to be someone that did things poorly, and people felt sorry for and would say “good job,” when it wasn’t true.
It’s been hard, but I have slowly but surely attempting to break this cycle, because after a while the hyper-criticism no longer becomes helpful, and in fact destructive. You start to lose faith in yourself, and distrust compliments others give you (a little crazy, I know). While being aware of your performance in whatever objectively, you also need to have at least some faith in yourself and what you can do- just like jiu jitsu, you need to believe in the technique, and believe in your ability to perform it.
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, but also have an awareness of what you are putting out into the world.
Now go get ‘em, tiger! *Internet high-five*
I hear ya on that. I find that it is the hyper self-criticism that has reared its ugly head those time I am frustrated with BJJ. I also have a hard time trusting people’s BJJ-related compliments because of my cynicism regarding my abilities.
I, too, am working on it. Just last night I decided to ask my training partner (also my SO), what I did *well* while rolling – cuz the 100 times before that I asked, in a slightly impatient tone, what I did wrong or what notable things I should improve on.
Yeah, that certainly sounds a little familiar. You are not alone
On the way home after open mat last night, I was reflecting on where my head is at. The list of issues needing some work includes being hyper analytical, hyper critical and lacking faith. Oh yeah, and cynicism…
With BJJ, as with life, there needs to be balance. To find that, I feel I need objectivity, realistic expectations and trust. Trust mainly in myself, but also in my mentors and teachers. To this end, I often have to tell the nagging inner cynic to STFU, and rein it in sharply. Then I beat it up with my objectivity stick. As a result, it rears it’s head less often. Progress is being made!